The zombie genre in film, as we know it today, is now 43
years old (thanks to Romero's seminal Night of the Living Dead). Scientists estimate the number of zombie
movies since 1968 at roughly 71,286,492.
It is statistically likely that three more will be made before you
finish reading this article. This then,
begs the question, “Why don't the folks in zombie films know what a god damned
zombie is?!”
Now I'm not going to pretend that I have seen every zombie
film. Many of you out there may be just
as qualified on the subject, if not more so.
There could be some straight-to-video, big box, halfway decent zombie
movie out there where the second the dead start coming back with a case of the
munchies everyone just instinctively knows to plug them right between the
eyes. There could be dozens of movies
where all people are well-informed on zombie dispatching methodology. But there has yet to be a single one to have
captured the imagination of the public...or even the rather hefty zombie nerd
cabal.
The rather hefty zombie nerd cabal. To be fair, the author looks just like this... |
The modern vampire movie admittedly has something of a head
start on zombie flicks. But in that
time, there have been several dalliances with aware characters handling
nosferatu. While people might be a bit
slow to catch on, once it's been established that vampires are involved, people
seem to know all the 'rules'. And
there're lots of them! There are so many
rules regarding vampires, that characters in movies will even fight over which
ones are the correct ones (as in the vastly underrated From Dusk 'Til
Dawn) or fall victim to believing some of the more agreed-upon rules, as in
Roman Polanski's The Fearless Vampire Killers or Pardon Me, But Your Teeth
are in My Neck (you know, “Oy vey! Have you got the wrong vampire.”)
When you think about it, the vampire expert is just as
central to a vampire story oftentimes as the bloodsuckers themselves. Reaching all the way back from the Bram
Stoker original, there is a sizable vein of Van Helsing-type characters who
will appear if only to inform everyone else of what to do and what not to do.
What not to do: Get bitten. |
We certainly don't see much of that in zombie films. The corollary may be the scientist figure
that will conclude after half the population have become undead cannibals that
these people may in fact, just possibly, might not be living people
anymore. At that point some revelation
often comes in the form of a rough how-to in zombie killing.
And the funniest thing about this all? The guide to how to best quickly and
definitively kill a zombie is an awful lot like how to best quickly and
definitively kill a regular person.
Want to kill somebody real quick?
Shoot them in the head! Want to
make sure that someone doesn't recover? Burn them till there's nothing
left! We're not talking neurosurgery
here.
The closest we've come to anyone actually knowing ahead of
time what to do with a zombie is the farcical and hilarious Shaun of the
Dead. But even then, it took an
overrun town and a whole record collection to understand what was truly going
on. You could try to argue that movies
like Day of the Dead and Land of the Dead had resident zombie
experts. But, and this is a big but,
those movies take place in a world where people ran around clueless for two
movies before that. Nobody ever sees it
coming, and nobody ever accepts it even in the face of irrefutable evidence.
Nothing to see here. Things couldn't be more normal... |
One of the many things that make zombies so captivating and
terrifying can also be one of the most overdone and cliché devices in all of
zombie movies. You know what I'm talking
about, when a character will watch their beloved
boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/bartender/softball coach get bitten, spew
gore from every conceivable orifice, go limp and die, only to come back up with
that fogged-over thousand-yard-stare and inhuman gurgling snarl. And what does the character do when watching
their brutally maimed loved one creep towards them hungrily like a fat person
towards a Krispy Kreme? Why, they run
right into the zombie's arms; and when those arms start digging into flesh, all
the character can muster is, “Why are you doing this? It's me, Johnny So-And-So!” Even if I didn't know what a zombie was, I'm
pretty sure I wouldn't be looking to embrace my mom if I just saw her get
chewed up by a skeletal corpse to the point where she looked like a run-over
squirrel.
And so we come to the point where it's fair to ask: “Do we
need a new paradigm?” Do we need a
zombie expert to hear one report of suburban cannibalism before he or she
successfully forewarns anybody willing to listen? I would argue yes. And I would also argue no. Over 40 years into the genre, I think it's
safe to write characters that exist in a world where zombie fiction or lore
exists prior to the latest radioactive accident/spellbook read/grave
disturbed/Voodoo curse. But, then again,
71,286,495 zombie movies now exist... and yet, we're still watching... and
we're still amused.
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