Note: Conan the Barbarian is the most
recent film to take on the classic Robert E. Howard character popularized in
film by Arnold Schwarzenegger. However,
this reviewer will not do any comparison work to the older iterations of the
films, the serial novels, or any of the numerous comic book versions. This movie will be reviewed on its own
merits.
Conan the Barbarian does a number of things very well
straight out of the gates to let the viewer know that they are in store for a
Man Movie. The movie starts with a small
narration from a surprise gravitas-imbued actor. We then see Conan born, cut by a sword out of
his mother’s womb on the battlefield… because she is badass, his father is
badass (the ever-present and awesome Ron
Perlman), and we need a reason to know Conan is badass even as an infant. The next scene goes on to show a child Conan
out-badassing basically everyone ever ever.
Point of the story is: Conan is a badass. That is all.
In fact, in an odd decision, the first 30 minutes of the
movie are Conan as a child. The actor
playing young Conan doesn’t really have much of a handle on how to be a badass
(how many kids really do?) so he plays the character with the same low-slung
scowl as the kid down the street who tortures squirrels. While we were all rightfully fearful of our
own primary school psychos, it’s pretty safe to say that none of them grew up
to wield a hot topless woman in one hand and a gigantic sword in another… while
carrying a full tankard of ale hanging from their mammoth cock.
Little Conan has been making blowtorches from aerosol can in the woods again... |
That said, the obviously well-Man Movie-informed writers and
director pulled a couple more textbook maneuvers to help set the tone of the
movie. Firstly, they showed that they
weren’t afraid to show some blood and gore.
When someone gets nailed by a sword or arrow, there are spurts… not
fountains on the level of a 70s Japanese samurai film, but good enough. There is also a fantastic mini-motif of nose
mutilation, and an instance of someone head-butted with a severed head (we
know, that’s awesome). The filmmakers
also introduce us to the antagonist’s minions very early on in one of the
classic roll call styles, wherein each has a featured fight sequence during one
of the first battles. This ably sets up
multiple villains with personality, that the viewer has an emotional stake in
seeing fight and die.
The titular barbarian is respectably played by Jason Momoa,
or as he’s better known, the guy on Game of Thrones who keeps talking about a
horse fucking things*. Respectably only
because Momoa never really pans out as a leading man; he is far too brooding
and understated for his star to burn bright enough. But the rest of the movie is strong enough to
carry him through. The movie succeeds in
having multiple well-done fights, including two good monster scenes, despite
one of them being an almost seemingly-requisite octopus creature. It also has a fantastic trick riding
horse-chase scene where even the extras are rad and doing stuff like jumping
180 degrees around on their saddle in order to shoot people with arrows.
Fantasy movies need octopus fights like 80s beat-em-up games need an elevator level. |
But there are letdowns and disappointments in the movie as
well. There is a strong promise of
continued nudity towards the beginning of the film, where it seems as though
every young and attractive actress will be performing sans-blouse. But that doesn’t hold and we’re only treated
to a pair again just prior to the start of the third act. Along those same lines, one of the two main
bad guys is Rose McGowan as a witch. Her
character likely would have been best served as a sort of evil sexpot, but she
is instead in heavy makeup and a baldcap with no eyebrows in order to make her
look foreign and sinister (and if that weren’t enough boner repellant, there is
a creepy implied incest scene thrown in as well). And there is an uncalled-for tonal shift for
an oddly tender love scene that comes off as lip service to whatever wives and
girlfriends were dragged to the movie; it plays like a Playgirl/Red Shoe
Diaries moment and allows the audience a glimpse of Momoa’s chiseled posterior.
Dear Rose, Thank you for giving our penis nightmares. |
All told, however, this movie was a fantastic surprise. It shows heavy evidence of studio suit
tampering, and was a pretty significant box office flop. But this movie has strong writing and direction,
combined with a cast mostly able to handle the material… not to mention a
time-tested character who largely stays true to his roots. Conan says at one point, “I live, I love, I
slay… and I am content.” So are we, big
guy, so are we…
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* There are actually a couple Conan alums in Game of Thrones. It is sometimes a bit distracting.
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